And this is just what happens…

when I fall in Love

I decide to Love again

and my heart can’t hear what’s above.

At first I didn’t want you

but you desired for so long

so I let you have me

that’s where I went wrong.

Now I’m afraid im trapped

underneath your smile and charm

Well that’s what I call it

Others think its just manipulation and harm. 

Here I am

sitting in class… for the first time in about a month.

Here I am feeling as if i smell like weed even after I showered.

Here I am feeling like the fuck up I always thought myself to be.

Here I am feeling like I won’t be able to pass my classes with anything better than a C

… or even a D

Everywhere I go I carry with me a box of crayons, hand lotion, a comic, a box of cigarettes, my keys, my phone, a sketch pad, my piece, a pencil, and lip gloss…. what out of all those things will help me in life?

A pencil.

That’s the only thing I always have with me that will help me in life… in my educational journey I mean. Right? because that’s all anyone ever thinks life is anymore….

School

Well fuck me

I’m quite behind… and I’ve barely started.

The thing is I need to stop thinking this way… Life is probably 99.99999% mental. Or something like that, and your body is just there to help you do what you think about every moment of every day. 

Instead of feeling better I need to think better. I need to relax about everything…school, work, life, boy. It appears I’m worried about everything except for me. Which is so ridiculous, because I am the only thing that will make everything in my life work.

I guess its about fuckin time I take charge of my life :/

Killin’ Time

The past few days have been … interesting. I’ve never had quite so many mixed feelings. Something happened, Something didn’t happen… but that doesn’t matter.

What does matter is Joseph.

The complete stranger who almost passed me by as I had a smoke, but instead stopped and asked if he could sit next to me for a while. 

He was just killin’ time.

Joseph was a nice guy, in fact, he could have very well been one of the most friendly people I’ve ever met. He was only 22, had no money, no cigarettes, no friends surrounding him…just a smile and loads of conversation. I enjoyed that.

We talked for about a half hour. He told me of his adventure down the California coastline. He walked through the trees of the redwood forest, biked 775 miles to Los Angeles, and from there hitch hiked his way to Riverside. I told him I thought politics were jibberish. I had no cool adventure to share. He smiled at that.

The point is we laughed a lot, and before he came and sat next to me I was having a pretty terrible day. I wasn’t being judged, nor was I judging him. We were just two strangers both in need of someone to talk to.